Happy St. Patrick's Day all! As I don my green and prepare for an evening of drinking and raucousness, it occurs to me that this holiday is superior to the others in many many ways. Here's why:
St. Patrick's Day is better than New Year's because you don't have to worry about who you're going to kiss at midnight and you don't have to pay $175 to get into a bar that's free every other night of the year.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Valentine's Day because even though its technically an Irish holiday, it excludes no one, unlike Valentine's Day which happily excludes all single people and makes them feel like they are doomed to wander the earth alone.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Easter because while you are encouraged to wear green, there is no dress code, no pastels and excessive church going and cemetery visiting.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Memorial Day because you don't feel obligated to go to the beach even though its still too cold to be there.
St. Patrick's Day is better than the 4th of July because the cops and the fire department aren't forced to crack down on the raucousness of St. Patty's Day the way they are fireworks for the 4th of July. On the 4th of July, its the Macy's show, or nothing. On St. Patty's Day, there's a party everywhere.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Labor Day because its right at the beginning of spring and you have the whole summer to look forward to. On Labor Day, its time to leave the warm weather and get ready for the cold.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Halloween because Halloween was only fun until you had to stop trick or treating. St. Patrick's Day allows people of all ages to dress silly and gorge on liquor.
St. Patrick's Day is better than Thanksgiving because on Thanksgiving, everyone marches in a parade and then goes home to eat turkey. On St. Patrick's Day many attractive firemen march in a parade and then go to the bar to drink with you.
And finally, St. Patrick's Day is better than Christmas because you don't have to buy anybody any presents, or listen to Christmas music. Bagpipes only play once a year, instead of a month and a half at Christmas time.
So that's it folks, St. Patrick's Day is the best holiday of the year. Don't waste it! Put on something green, get out to the bar, and have a beer. (For the diet concious, I hear that Guiness only has a 125 calories). Slainte!