Supermarket Ettiquette

Some of you may remember posts I did a few years ago called "Subway Etiquette" and "Umbrella Etiquette", which focused on some common sense (you would think) tips for taking the subway and walking around New York City with an umbrella. Apparently the people of New York haven't learned much because now I need to do a post explaning how to behave at the supermarket.

I do most of my food shopping at the Stop & Shop in Maspeth which is a decent sized supermarket for Queens. Matt and I went yesterday to stock up on food for the week at around 7 p.m. As usual, the place was packed with idiots.

From that experience, I've drafted the following rules:

1. Do not leave your cart in the middle of the aisle and diagnolly so that it blocks up the entire aisle. I don't know if you know this, but other people are making their way up and down the aisles with carts as well.

2. If you are going to stop to look at products, please pull your cart over to the side. Treat the aisle like the highway - you can't just stop right in the freaking middle and hang out there for awhile.

3. If someone else has already stopped their cart on the side of the aisle, do not stop your cart directly next to theirs. You don't know how many times I have seen this. People stop in the exact same place, and their two carts block up the whole aisle. And they seem so surprised when you're behind them saying "Excuse me." Here's a nifty solution. Park your cart in front or in back of the other pulled over cart so that there's still an open lane.

4. Do not come to a complete stop at the end or beginning of a new aisle. I know you're trying to figure out if you need more freaking Cheerios, but figure it out somewhere out of the way.

5. Don't walk at an absolute snail's pace through the aisles. I'm tired too - but if we all walk at normal speeds, we can get done shopping quicker and get to bed quicker and get more sleep so we have enough energy to be at the supermarket.

6. Do not use the new fancy self-checkout counters if you do not know what the hell you are doing. I swear, when I shop at night they have about two aisles with actual cashiers with a line 5 or 6 people deep (the peoplel who are afraid of the new machines) and then five or six self checkout lanes with people standing around trying to figure out how to scan a head of lettuce that doesn't have a bar code. In fact, maybe the supermarket should just get rid of these things and hire a couple more teenagers to work the counter. These things don't save any time and they are causing everybody problems.

7. Keep your kids under control. I know this is difficult too, but when they are directly in front of my wagon and won't move, that would be a good time to intervene and actually do some parenting.

8. Once your car is packed up and your wagon is put back, get the hell out of there. There's about eighty other people waiting for your spot and you're on the phone. MOVE.

There you have it folks, food shopping is simple. See you in the cookie aisle.